Sunday, November 11, 2007

Worth it? I think not.

I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of betrayal upon betrayal, tired of being taken for granted, tired of keeping the peace, keeping a level head, keeping other people's secrets. Tired of being considered a Great Person, if this is where it gets me. I don't want to be a person someone feels blessed to have as an acquaintance; I want to be a passable person, someone for whom you don't need to pour out regard, affection, concern, and enthusiasm. I want to be base enough to be allowed to slither in and out of acquaintanceship without any large-amplitude emotional anything. I don't want to have to reciprocate this level of regard and intensity in a situation that only tightens my throat and leaves me almost shaking with repressed sharpness. This wish extrapolates nicely.

I don't want to be the one who cleans up the puke from the drunken asshole because I'm that Good of a Person, doing it because I really believe it's the Right Thing. I don't want to be the one who loves people in general so much that I am totally willing (even pleased) to stay up with a person I don't know and have only neutral feelings for just to empty the puke bucket and say kind words. So why did I do it? Well, because I don't like being sick alone, because I don't like feeling alone and forgotten, and because it seemed like the good thing to do--but the truth is, I wouldn't accept the same thing from any of them.

If I were drunk and sick, I would chase them away and crawl under a bush to prove to myself exactly how miserable it could get, and then hold it against them that I do not trust them enough to let them (hypothetically) care for me. And I'd say I liked the cold air, that it made me feel better, refuse even a blanket. Judge me for my stubbornness--I dare you. Better to be too fierce, shivering under a bush in the rain than inside letting yourself get emotionally ripped to pieces by someone who is the spiritual equivalent of what comes out from the sewer when it rains.

I'm tired of making an effort to be Honorable and Trust People, tired of the high road (or striving for it), tired of being a moderate, respected. Tired of being Listened To, but frustrated that people don't actually Listen. They just argue. Or they discount. They profess to listen, tell me they're hearing what I say...I do not want to be the world's confidante, and I have not the courage (?) to turn some of them away.

I'm tired of striving to be the Good Kid and the One Who Rises Above It All, because what does it get me? It doesn't acquit me of blame in situations where I honestly hold myself blameless--I can expend as much effort as I want, and it won't matter, because I still won't be Good Enough, because I won't be able to slip through life without reacting emotionally to words meant to hurt me. I'm tired of feeling like I'm at some sort of fault for permitting myself to feel hurt, or put-upon, or anything but calm. Tired of this impossible standard of maturity--no matter how much I work at it, every time I succeed, the bar just ups to the sky. I've already grappled my way up--but there's this heinous double-standard that automatically equates me with the least mature, least kind person simply because, for example, he's my brother. He hasn't bothered to learn to be a human being, he hasn't bothered to learn to be kind, or compassionate, or honorable, and yet somehow it's me, equally culpable, that is to blame for him chasing me out of the house with ugliness and shouting.

Tired of trusting people in general, because when I do, invariably, the people who are most important to me decide that because I am plastic, organic, I somehow must be an invertebrate. And when I demonstrate myself to have a backbone in a way other than theoretical, it's not a Good Thing--it's a reason for them to throw me away. If I take the moral high road and respond to vague, unbased ad hominem attacks, responding with affection and apology, then suddenly I've Admitted that I Am In The Wrong. If I don't, then instead of the garbage bin via ensuing discussion, it's just the garbage bin, pronto.

For some reason, I continue to love people, and I hate that I do. I'm emasculated from saying most things in this stupid blog simply because of Who Might Read It. I'm tired of not being able to count on people, tired of this stupid, stupid University, tired even of my House. I do not want to be the Secret Keeper, the Strong Person. I want to be left Alone, under my bush, until I'm good and damn ready to come out. I want to wait until everyone stops training their missiles and rotten tomatoes on me, and I want to be taken at face value for the crabby, crochety, ass that I try to be simply so that they will all leave me Alone. I want to have people find me valuable when they are in something other than crisis situations, and I want to have a reason to believe that there are people who can actually be counted on to not always say the wrong thing during a crisis of mine. People who can be counted on to not eternally mess up the art of interaction. People who not only understand the basic precepts of Listening, but who can employ them without seeming stuffed, and don't make me feel like I'm therapisting myself with their face on it.

And I want my roommate to stop trying to mother me every chance she gets. I have obviously made it this far feeding, clothing, and caring for myself. If I do risky things, clearly I still possess all my limbs and various accoutrements...in short, I obviously have some modicum of good judgment. And it's so frustrating to feel like people think they can just get in my life and tell me what to do; I know they care, but I just want SPACE!!!!

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